Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The 20 Excuses That I Make to Avoid Going to the Gym

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Fitness is a never-ending battle of mind over matter. Maybe I'm speaking for myself, but everyday is a constant struggle between deciding whether or not to make health the priority…or just revolve the day  around what is convenient and easy.

Now don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy physical activity. I don't care to look for statistics, but I can say with confidence that so do a lot of other people in this world. Heck, sports are a multi-hundred-billion dollar industry. I think that working out is empowering. As a person who thrives off of challenges, physical output is motivational and a stress release for me.

Although I usually don't mind finding time in the day to workout, there are times where I teeter totter between being motivated, and not caring if I break every piece of furniture that I sit on.

When these days do come, I will name any excuse in the book to try and make myself feel better. My way of reasoning is compensating with a mile high load of absolute horse manure.

These are the top 20 excuses that I make to avoid going to the gym.

1.  “ I've eaten really well today.”

Since I’ve ate like a bird today consuming only chia seeds and air I’m going to pretend that my lack of adequate calories means that I’ve done good enough for the day, rather than eating like a normal human and being capable of performing physical activity without passing out.

2. " I've eaten horrible today."

Since I had leftover pizza for lunch, there’s nothing I can do to make up for it. Not even do cardio for an hour to burn most of it off.

3. " I just ate."

I know that it will take at least six hours until my body fully digests what I put into it. I don’t want to risk puking in public so I’m just going to have to miss today.

4. "The gym closes soon."

It’s only open for another hour so I’m going to focus on how I will be pressed for time rather than how much I can actually get done in 60 minutes. Don’t wanna risk it.

5. “There’s people in the world who never workout.”

No shoot, Sherlock. That’s the reason why shows like My 600lb. Life exist. There is such a thing as the obesity epidemic, so I should keep thinking this way. Soon I'll be custom ordering elastic waist jeans and eating a sheet pizza as my midnight snack appetizer.

6. "I'm still sore from yesterdays workout."

So I will treat my body like I’m stitched together with cotton string. Since I’m sore, I can’t make any sudden movements or the structure of my being will shatter and disperse all over the floor. I don’t want to die.

7. "It's too cold outside to go to the gym."

Well, that’s strange… because working out at home has almost become more popular than going to the gym these days. I could just search for workouts on YouTube or Google. I could easily stream an Insanity, yoga, or P90x video, but since I am making excuses I’m going to pretend that’s not a possibility.

8. "I'm just going to go super hard tomorrow."

Or am I? Because 10 times out of 10 I’m going to work exactly as hard as I normally do, and nothing more.

9. "I don't feel good."

Aka I had a gas pain earlier that I’m make-believing is still in my stomach. Or I hit my head on a memory foam pillow and the impact knocked me out for a three hour nap.

10. "I can't find my headphones."

Since the beginning of time no man (or woman) has gotten exercise without headphones.  I can’t imagine a sick twisted world where anyone would have to maintain fitness without the access of music to their ears.

11. "I have too much work to do."

So I’m going to skip the gym and spend four hours watching a movie, scrolling up and down Facebook, and watching my fingernails grow. Then maybe I’ll finish my optional 10-minute extra credit assignment.

12. "Today will be my off day."

So will tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that…

13. "I already did some random activity today that I can consider physically strenuous."

I rode my bike down the street earlier to go to my friends house, so I know that I got in a good leg workout. I also threw a frisbee back and fourth while I was babysitting my 5 year old cousin. That really got my heart rate going…guess I don't need to go to the gym today.

14. "The gym is going to be really crowded."

God forbid other people are actually going to be working out too, so that means that I can’t go to the gym right now. The thought that I’m actually going to have to run on a treadmill with someone on each side of me is unbearable. Can we talk about claustrophobia? Forget it.

15. "I've already showered."

And I am incapable of showering again. The limit is clearly once a day, because if I shower twice it will be really bad for my hair. 

16. "The only time I can go is in the morning."

Is working out in the morning a thing? I didn't even know that people woke up before noon. The only time I ever wake up early is to go out to breakfast, or to open Christmas gifts.

17. "Today sucked."

I'm having a terrible day where nothing is going right, so I’m just going to skip working out to feel even worse about myself.

18. "I have my period."

I’m hormonal, hungry, bloated, and out of my mind. Even though it’s a proven fact that working out will help my cramps and cravings, instead I’m going to opt for sitting fetal position in the corner while sucking hot fudge through a turkey baster.

19. "I've done well all week."

I've worked out consecutively for the past few days, and eaten well…which means I’m going to reward myself by abruptly stopping all progress.

20. "I'm too tired."

I've actually accomplished something today, so I have the right to complain about how exhausted that I am. The 10 hours of sleep that I got last night are irrelevant. 

I'm hoping that some of you relate to this, because if you don't I must be one lazy woman. I'm going to go do crunches now (and by crunches I mean crunch food in between my jaw).

Posted By: Julie Goetz

The 20 Excuses That I Make to Avoid Going to the Gym


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